Finding ME...

As I sit at work editing some blogs and information for a new up and coming website that is bound to change the world, I see myself in the words that are there before me. Over the past few months my attitude about life in general has begun to change and a kinder and more caring person has begun to emerge.

I have blamed my hatred and hard times on others and the resentment I have felt for family members for far too long. When I began working for this exceptional lady who was not only a client, but a friend and mentor, my eyes and heart opened to what I was missing and how I let others bring me down and made me feel not good enough. Going to work everyday and working with her and this website has truly changed my life for the better. For years I have been angry with God and have been a nonbeliever of my faith. After all, what god would give life to a baby only to leave a huge hole in his heart to require surgery and a life long relationship with a cardiologist, what god would ALLOW a four year old to have cancer and fight for his life and have his parents live in fear that it will return. My faith in god or a higher power was tarnished. I knew that no good was left in this world, and if anything bad was going to happen it would happen to me or my loved ones.

Over the years I had become more and more bitter until eventually I was knocked on my butt and had been forced to have a wake up call. My health had deteriorated so that I had to do something, I had to figure out for myself what was going on with my body, and mind for that matter. My marriage was down the tubes and my children were left without a loving and caring mother. It was after my husband moved out that I truly saw the person that I had become, and I didn't like it. I blamed my health for my attitude and lack of zest for life, when really it was my attitude that put my health in jeopardy. I think my first step to changing was that tearful phone call that I made to him to apologize for so many things that I had done or said. Knowing that not all the blame was on me, but taking responsibility for what was.

My other big obstacle was my job. Working with family isn't always easy, especially when you don't care much for the job itself. I dreaded work everyday and the feelings I had of worthlessness, uselessness and just not being good enough. I started talking more to God and asked him to bring some happiness into my life. Not only with work but my personal life as well. I always had the attitude that I didn't need anyone, but I was quickly realizing how untrue that was. My children were growing up and away from me, and being alone was not my idea of fun anymore. I guess it was a case of, "Ask and you shall receive". A wonderful man was brought into my life and the job of a lifetime was presented to me. Everyday I wake up with a smile and a much better out look on life and physically and mentally I feel stronger. I walk with my head held high and with more confidence. I am learning to not let the snide remarks made by others affect me or to lash back at them with a sharp tongue. I am learning patience, unconditional love, and forgiveness. I am trying to let go of any hurt that I have hung onto for so long and be free.

For the first time in my life I have felt free enough to love ME. To love my imperfections enough to be totally liberated of any negativity that has lingered in my presence. To not hear the put downs or accept any self doubt that is bestowed upon me by others. I have been told that, "It is none of my business what others think of me." She was right in telling me that, if we let others opinion affect us in anyway, then we do not truly love ourselves. In loving ourselves we can open up our hearts to love others in a way that we never thought possible.

I have come to a place where I can be ME, until now I thought I had to put on a front so my true feelings wouldn't show. To be ME with the special man in my life, and with friends and loved ones and to be ME at my new job. In being ME I have found happiness, hope, acceptance and love.

Now instead of dreading every waking moment, I am excited to see what is to come and I am patiently waiting for my story to unfold.