My quest...

I have been on a quest to find "me " again and along the way I have discovered parts of me that I never knew were there before. On the flip side, I have lost a huge part of myself. Finding out new things about yourself can be exciting but losing a piece of yourself, you are never really the same person. I would love to say that I was the same person I was even ten years ago but I can't. I think it is the heartbreaks that have changed me, the disappointments, the lonely times that I have had. It all tends to make one bitter...a little cold. It was so easy for me for a long time to not feel anything, and the moment I do...I am let down again. So in my journey I am learning some hard lessons along the line. I am learning that just because you love someone doesn't mean that they will love you in return, and as hard as it is, you have to let go or the pain will eat you alive. I'm learning to let go of my children as they grow up and away from me. I'm learning to do things on my own, because I can't depend on anyone to be there with me or for me.

I have applied for school at the local community college, I hope I can start in the Summer session. I think once I start I might feel like I'm worth a damn, because right now I feel pretty useless. I went to Ash Wednesday Mass, that felt kind of good. I haven't been to Mass in probably twenty years, I was surprised that lightning didn't strike or that the church didn't cave in. We'll see if I make it a weekly thing though.

I have been eating healthy and taking my herbs everyday and I started walking. I feel much better than I have in years, physically. Now if the mental and emotional would catch up with the physical. My heart just hurts and I think it is going to take a long time to heal...